Monday, February 1, 2010

Judgement Day

How will I ever truly understand my motives? Was I curious about what my ten years of sexual experience would bring to this young virgin's education? And was that driven by ego? Was I, rather, yearning for a clean slate, one who wouldn't judge me because she didn't know any better? Or is there just something sickeningly fundamental about wanting to fuck an eighteen-year-old virgin?

It's harder for me to admit that I might have actually liked Chloe. A couple weeks in, after her mom started to suspect that Chloe and Hailey weren't as inseparable as Chloe's lies made them out to be, I even fantasized about a future together down the line. I imagined that I could shape her into a well-rounded, literate, free-thinking woman. That I would help lay her foundation, and Chloe would find me again a couple years out of college, after earning her own life experience, and turn out perfect for me.

It felt both romantic and disgusting at the time, but now it just feels disgusting.

The faults I consistently attributed to Chloe's youth finally ended up proving to be less callowness and more personality flaws. It took three strikes for me to understand this:

1. One thing I made clear before anything happened was that her teachers could not find out about our affair. I knew her high school English teacher because he used to be mine, and he hustled to get me my old teaching position. Well, the precocious auteur that she is, she couldn't resist making such hints in her creative writing assignments, and he overheard my name during class once when she was chatting with a friend. That wasn't a fun email correspondence with Mr. Derry. But I let it go.

2. She got my friend fired. Not on purpose. My friend Jeff works for a company that does focus testing. He hired Chloe as part of a group to test a product whose brand name was being kept under wraps. Afterward, while the three of us were having dinner, he spilled the beans in confidence. Granted, he never used the word secret, but he never thought she would pass his cell phone number to her New York Times reporter family friend over dinner the following week. Well, it got traced back to him and he got canned. I gave her the benefit of the doubt. So did my friend. (This is big-hearted Jeff who never thought less of me for infusing the stitch of his duvee with vomit.)

3. Figuring it only proper to show Chloe my manuscript after she let me judge so many of her essays, this time I explicitly stated not to show it to anyone. She claims she didn't recall me saying that while she proudly read it aloud to her friends to "try and get feedback on it" for me. That finally crossed the line.

In some ways, I chalk all of these mistakes up to her age, but, at the same time, I doubt every eighteen-year-old would commit these same follies. Chloe called me the day after I yelled at her for showing off my manuscript and told me that she couldn't be with someone who made her feel as bad about herself as I did. She told me that I was wrong to blame these mistakes on her age, and, in doing so, I wasn't letting her be her own person, but rather, that I was turning her into "an eighteen year old" and not Chloe.

I was surprised to hear her break up with me, mostly because I thought that I had already done that on the phone the previous day. I also thought it a mistake for her to try and take responsibility for her actions, as I was giving her an excuse that she apparently didn't want. I wasn't sure whether or not to respect that attitude.

I can't say that I regret anything that happened with Chloe, though I probably wouldn't have done it if I had envisioned this outcome. While I may repent it now, I do know that if I hadn't have fucked the girl, I would have always wondered what it would have been like. And now I know. So there's that.


Barefoot Dreamer said...

Hi, I see that you are lonely for comments. While I have not had time to read blogs this week, I will still pop over and comment - not about the post... rather just the fact that you need a comment or two.

So - there ... a comment for you sexy man.


energeticlove said...

There is definitely something about exploring a place that has never been explored before that can be sexy and exciting. In my experience, it is not that great since a man usually will not last long the first time. If I was in your place it would be a rush tho ;)

I do have a tendency to date younger guys that are barely legal to drink. I love the energy, the eagerness to please, and learn new things. They are also pretty dumb when it comes to maturity.

Yes, Chloe gets props for owning up to her actions but because of her age she made them. That or she is pretty ignorant or selfish.

But when you date someone who is young. The whole point is to have fun not to share something real because they will just be traded later when sex eventually becomes boring. It will become boring. That is a fact.

And that was pretty fucked up what happened in the 3 scenarios. But do not regret. It was an experience and now you can just learn from it and move on.

Laszlo Brown said...

I have to say that I feel that this post is too mean and not fair enough to Chloe. I think I might have simplified my emotions about it for narrative's sake, and not paid enough respect to Chloe's positive qualities. I did that in my post called "Drop Dead Legs" so if anyone reads this one first, please make sure you read the other one so you know I actually really liked the girl at one point.

JenJen said...

Mr. Brown
Wow. I started to read this the other night while under my snuggly blanket, blackberry illuminating just enough...and couldn't bring myself to comment; I couldn't find the words.
I'm still not sure I do, but I wanted to tell you I was here.
you remind me of me when I was younger.

energeticlove said...

I read both. pfft. I think what you felt was lust. I totally understand it. In the beginning of any affair or relationship we usually have rose colored glasses.

I dont think you were mean at all.

Kim Williams said...

great to find you. thanks for dropping by my place. i've enjoyed my visit here.

this post has my mind spinning

Gray said...

I am surprised at the amount of trouble she caused in such little time. Though I'm not surprised but I am sorry to see it.

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Riley said...

I wish you would write another post...