Wednesday, January 27, 2010

Finish What Ya Started

I found out Chloe was a virgin before Christmas. It wasn't a shock, but the way she wrote made me hope it wasn't so. After her birthday, Chloe laid it on thick, and all of the topics I had postponed discussing because she was underage, she sucked from my brain like a thirsty embalmer. It wasn't too long before she was lying to her mom and visiting my house instead of Hailey's.

I tried to be careful with her. At first I didn't let her enter my bedroom, and when I finally did, I made sure to sit on separate furniture. I don't really know what my hesitation was, but something compelled me to release the brakes slowly.

It was the day we sat on the same couch that we first kissed. My heart lunged into my rib cage. My hands sweat, but not more than hers.

It felt wrong to kiss her and I stopped. I absolutely felt like I was kissing a teenager, not because she slobbered all over me, but because she took my cues like directives. The inequity was apparent, and I knew that this path would lead to emotional attachment, if not for eternity, than at least for longer than I could support. I tried to explain this, and, as one would expect, she denied it.

I couldn't stop seeing her. Something about the way she hugged me, letting her fingers slide down my forearms as she released, the way she pressed her cheek against mine and breathed warmly onto my neck, it was more than I could give up. She looked at me like she wanted me to change her life, and I knew that she would remember everything that I said and did.

I asked friends their opinions and the ones who read my blog wanted me to do it, and the ones who didn't thought I should be careful. No one said a definitive no, except my father. I wanted to listen to him.

I met her on the beach on Christmas, close to sunset. It was an extremely windy day and we took refuge next to a lifeguard tower. I told her that I had decided we shouldn't keep seeing each other. She asked me why. I told her that I couldn't support a relationship with her, and that she can't see now how she would get attached to the guy who took her virginity.

Her response: Then fuck me and don't date me.

After all of my deliberation and counseling, these crass words suddenly flipped a switch. It might sound awful, but those were the sexiest words I had ever heard spoken to me. All of a sudden, the realistic possibility of sleeping with beautiful Chloe seemed tangible, and my fantasies for the past two months were on the verge of materializing.

That night she made arrangements to sleep over. As we started to take our clothes off, she seemed happy and relieved. I felt a pang of disappointment when I saw that she was shaven. How did porn chic infiltrate the 18 and under crowd?

I soon found out that Chloe hadn't had any type of sex, which made me hesitate for no more than a minute. Although the situation now felt that much more ridiculous, I had already made the decision, and I was going to follow through.

It hurt her a lot, more than the two virgins I had slept with during college. Regardless, it went well. She cried appropriately and we laid together in bed looking at each other for a long time. I thought that I had done right by her, that I had made the experience everything that I could.

She told me that she was happy that I was her first, and that she couldn't imagine someone better to lose it to. At the time, I believed her, and I did for the next couple of weeks. It is only now, a month later, that I know I was deluding myself.


Gray said...

Oh man.. I am speechless.

Gray said...

Because your description doesn't do it justice.;)

Surge said...

So was she 18, or seventeen? Because I could have told you this would end badly..
cause I had a smilar situation, I think I've mentioned it before. We think it's okay (the younger girls, I mean) at the time because its the thrill of having somebody remotely experienced. Or mabey its because they're older, or that we're looking for shelter. Afterwards, we realise it may have actually been a huge mistake.

One question: Why were you surprised she shaved?
Something I've kind of noticed is that there are virgins under the age of eightneen who just know how to do it. I mean, like, every thing you can think of can be done and possibly better than an experienced woman can do it.
Just saying.

Laszlo Brown said...

She was 18. Turned 18 in November. I was surprised she shaved because what would she have shaved for? She had no one travel down there, and I had expressed passively that I liked it natural. Besides my simple hope that new generations of girls are no longer influenced by porn in terms of pubic hair, I guess you can chalk it up to my naivety.

PS: Why didn't you tell me it would end badly back in November when I started writing about it?! ;)

The Crazy Baby Mama said...

ok. let's be honest: girls/women shave down there because they think the people they're fucking will get off on it. they aren't shaving it for their own personal edification. trust me. once that hair starts growing back, it feels like a badger burrowing it's sharp little claws into your public flesh. not fun. so, the fact that she shaved kind of strips away her own agency as she most likely did it because she assumed that you'd like it. ironic.


Laszlo Brown said...

I don't know, CBM, she definitely heard me say that I prefer natural. I think she was more conscious of the general public - whoever it might be who get there first.

Surge said...

some girls like it bare for themselves.. not mentioning any names though

also, i didnt tell you cause you never really asked lol

Laszlo Brown said...

Surge, seems like you and Crazy Baby Mama are at odds about shaving for yourselves.

Also, you claim it's because I didn't ask, but perhaps it's also because you, like my other friends who read my blog, wanted to see the carnage in writing afterward? haha.